Ever since I lost my dear mum, I have been striving to get back to that person, the person who had her shit together, the person who was strong, the person who felt happiness in her life.
With Mother’s day looming, what I have finally realised is that I am being too hard on myself.
I am never going to get back to the person I was before the loss, how can I? I have lost one of the most important people in my life, I have lost the only person who cared for me and the only person who was there for me day in day out, through good times and bad, through stupid decisions and great ideas, through the I told you so moments, through the come here have a hug and let it all out moments.
There is never going to be someone in my life whose whole existence was to take care of me, who I wanted to make proud every single day. There is never going to be someone who I love as much or who loves me unconditionally; even when I am being an utter monster.
I need to stop trying to get back to what I think is normal me, erase that idea and start building a new me.
A me I am proud of
A me that I love unconditionally
A me who will always be there for me
A me who is a survivor
A me who is a fighter (even at times I didn’t want to fight)
A me who has somehow still managed to live my life without my mum
A me who is strong (even at times when I have been my weakest)
I don’t give myself enough credit for going through such a sudden loss and still being here today.
Is my life a mess? 100%
Is my mental health shattered? 100%
Am I an emotional wreck all the time? 100%
Have I given up? NO. – I don’t give myself enough credit for that.
Have I been able to do this without the help of medication? NO – but I tried my hardest for months on end and I couldn’t function.
I know my mum would want me to take medication to pick me back up because she knows it will only be temporary, she knows I am strong, she knows I am the most stubborn MOFO to exist and will want to conquer this. I get all those amazing traits from her. Even at the end she fought so hard.
I miss my mum every single second of every waking moment, I even dream of her when I am asleep. It’s never nice dreams at the moment but I know with time it will ease, I know with time the feeling that my body is splitting into two will ease also, I just have to weather the storm.
Last mother’s day, my mum was too unwell to celebrate it, a week later she was taken into hospital and never returned home.
So to all who are reading this, don’t wait for Mother’s day; ring your mum, go visit your mum, tell her you love her, hug her that extra second longer because one day who’ll think back to those last moments and wish you’d held on. I never got to say goodbye to my mum, I never got to tell her it was ok and that I loved her very much one last time and that will forever stay an unfinished chapter in my life.
Did my mum know I loved her? Yes, I told her all the time
Did I hug my mum one last time? Yes, but I wish I had held on longer.
I shall begin my new chapter, a chapter of me, a chapter of reconstruction.
One step at a time
One day at a time
In the words of Sylvester Stallone “Keep Punching!”
To my fellow readers out there, who are ‘under construction’, take your time, reconstruct yourself with love and kindness and remember to enjoy the ride.
You are awesome, you are strong, you can do this.