The past couple of weeks have been tough for me and my battle to win over my hitch hiker. (It’s being very hormonal!)
I seem to have fallen into a very deep trough of worry, pain, fear, guilt and insomnia. (Someone please throw me some rope?)
Christmas was tough but I knew it would be I was armed for it with energy reserves, grenades and weapons at the ready. 💣💥💪
What I wasn’t expecting was that going into 2018 would bring me such pain. Without any resources left to surge forward from, I feel like I am drowning in mud right now. (Think mud in an eternal bog of stench)
It’s been a very long time since I felt such exhaustion; even when my mum left me I had some fight in me to battle on.
Right now?
Right now I feel completely defeated simply from going into 2018 without my mum.
I’m just hoping something will click back into place soon and I’ll pick myself up. 🙏🤞 (Will accept being picked up…)
It’s so hard to digest because I feel like I am broken into 3 separate pieces, all clawing for my attention. (Not like a cute puppy, more like a pissed off wasp)
Piece 1 – questioning life, not wanting it. My own mind giving me ideas on how to end it
Piece 2 – petrified that I will die too soon, petrified to leave the house for fear I catch this deadly flu going around.
I am weak, I won’t survive it, I want to survive, I need to live my life
Piece 3 – telling me that others have it worse than me and I’m being completely self centred.
- How can I have such conflicting parts in me?
- How can I hate feeling so lonely but have no desire to change it?
- Why won’t ‘A’ let me sleep when I am exhausted?
- Why is shit so hard? 😭
- Why can’t I pull myself out of this?
- Maybe I can’t do this without medication?
- Maybe I’m not as strong as I thought I was?
Oh ‘A’ doesn’t just have her bodyguard grief, (oh no that wouldn’t be as much fun) it brings along that annoying friend who no-one likes called SELF DOUBT.
‘A’ is charging forward with it’s best soldiers and I’m just curled up in a ball bracing myself for impact. (Every now and again throwing a limb out in hope I hit something)
I had a counselling session over the phone this week and my counsellor thinks that the reality of going into this year without my mum by my side has finally hit me and I am now feeling the grief.
To be honest I was hoping I’d just skipped the majority of it. I had some terrible days in 2017 and the flashbacks have been the worst part but they were days separated by days I could handle – this is constant.
I forced myself to the supermarket on Wednesday and whilst looking at toothpaste (toothpaste!!!), I had a flashback in the middle of the aisle of brushing my mum’s teeth in the hospital and how thankful she looked at me. I literally froze in the aisle for some time, managed to keep it together walking back to my house and as I walked through my front door I simply dropped down to the floor. I couldn’t control the sobs and of course ‘A’ came out to play. (Bitch)
- Why can’t I have the constant numbness and denial I felt when my grampy left me?
- Why has it taken me 8 months to feel this pain?
- If you’ve experienced a loss, how did you survive it? 😦
I’m literally waving 77 white flags at ‘A’, her bodyguard grief and sidekick self doubt. Hoping that for once they are kind on me. (I won’t hold my breath, I know how sadistic ‘A’ can be.) 🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳🏳
I’m taking advice from memes in hope I gain some strength from them.
I’ll keep trying to survive, might just set up camp under my duvet and master human hibernation……………………wish me luck.
