***Liebster Award***

I have spent a couple of years ‘uming’ and ‘ahhhing’ over whether to start writing a personal blog, I have been told over and over again that its great for your mental health. If you suffer from anxiety or over think the smallest of details, like myself, its suppose to be good to clear the mind with the added bonus that if you are typing a blog you don’t get the unwanted wrist cramp. (As a girl I hadn’t conditioned my wrist to get use to a repetitive motion over and over again…*insert aubergine and an inappropriate hand gesture emoji here…).

I guess my reasoning came down to the simple fact that I didn’t expect anyone to read my blog, I thought in amongst the many blogs out there, mine would go unnoticed and not stand out.

Now don’t get me wrong I haven’t been inundated with views, likes or comments and I am aware that my blog can be uncomfortable to read (even with my small attempt of humour) but I was shocked that the minute I started publishing posts people were viewing them and even liking them. Incredibly liberating but scary at the same time.

I’ve committed to something and to me that’s huge because I don’t normally commit to anything, ‘A’ makes sure of it.

I cried my eyes out typing my last post (Me, Myself & ‘A’), I kept telling myself that this is why I am doing this, to get it out of my mind, to share with people how I am feeling because I can not do that to anyone in my own life since my mum passed away. I spent 17 minutes staring at my draft talking myself into deleting the post for fear people would think I was seeking attention or sympathy. I had a notification that someone had commented on my post and my stomach churned, I assumed the comment would be bad, instead it wasn’t and then I got nominated for this Liebster Award by Introverted and Candid. (THANKYOU!!!)

My hitch hiker ‘A’ has conditioned me to not share with the world, to detach myself and not let anyone in, if I do ‘A’ makes me feel like I am irrelevant and no good will come from sharing. My blog is a journey and I will embrace everything that comes my way, including answering the below questions because not only is there an actual person out there who feels I am worthy of nominating, they are also looking forward to my reply and that feeling is amazing. (Screw you ‘A’!)

So….as I am new to blog life I had to find out what this award was and I’m delighted to find out it’s an award given to new bloggers from bloggers with an aim to discover and spot new bloggers! (I had to read it a few times myself…)

Considering I started my blog thinking I would sail by unnoticed I feel somewhat proud right now.

So what are the rules?

1. Acknowledge the blog that nominated you
2. Answer the 11 questions they ask you
3. Nominate 11 other bloggers with under 200 followers (this was the hardest part for me as so many great blogs out there but over the threshold)
4. Ask them your 11 questions
5. Let them know you nominated them

The questions that Introverted and Candid asked were actually extremely hard to answer immediately…

So here goes…..(gulps loudly….)

What’s the most valuable lesson a parent taught you?

My mum taught me that life will always knock you down at different times in your life and that it was okay to stay down for a while as long as you always got back up stronger. NO MATTER WHAT.

My mum taught me to be the strong, independent, pain in the ass that I am today and I’d never change who I am for anyone.

If money wasn’t an issue what would you do in life?

I’d probably go from one extreme to the other because that’s what ‘A’ would want.

I’d waste an unhealthy amount of time stalking Sylvester Stallone until I accidentally (on purpose) bumped into him and he instantly fell head of heels in love with me so we could live the rest of his life out happily ever after.

Yes… I know he’s 71 hence why I said one extreme to the other…calm down!

I would also set about developing a cure for all allergies, then when I wasn’t allergic to dogs anymore I’d firstly go a rampage and rub all the fluffy breeds I want on my face. Then secondly; Once id calmed down (probably do that for a few years), I would set up my very own dog groomers and vets and tend to animals without breaking out in hives.

How do you want to be remembered after you die , why is that important to you?

I don’t want to remembered for the anxiety attacks, ill health, depression or the sadness. I want to be remembered for the positives and that I lived and if I died tomorrow the only thing I feel id be remembered for is my obsession of Slyvester Stallone and that I was allergic to everything. It’s a work in progress. (Which actually fuels ‘A’ to make me think I’m going to die soon and wonder the planet as a ghost with unfinished business…)

What injustice would you change in the world?

Animal cruelty and abuse. Breaks my heart to see it happen, an animal can’t say no but they have feelings just the same as us humans. (Yes… I’m THAT person that cries at the sad adverts on tv of the puppy abandoned and practically starving to death)

One thing you think about often, almost daily?

My mum, every minute of everyday, she isn’t far from any of my thoughts. Sometimes its nice and comforting, most of the time it’s heart breaking.

If today were your last day on earth what regrets would you have?

That I never lived life to the fullest, that my anxiety was in the driving seat for most of my life controlling me (shit driver at that…), which has stopped me from travelling to Philadelphia to run up the steps like Sylvester does in Rocky 2.

How did you feel when you had a big failure in your life?

Heart broken, worthless and ashamed but no regrets.

What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve seen and why was it beautiful to you?

I’m sorry to anyone reading this…its not a happy story…

In my last post I mentioned I watched my mum die, the moment she took her last breath her face went from pained, wrinkled and suffering to beautiful, young and completely peaceful. The most surreal moment I have ever witnessed at such a traumatic time. It was breathtakingly harrowing but I took that beautiful moment away with me instead of the moment before. I knew she was at peace.

What’s the best decision you’ve ever made?

Probably the decision everyone told me I’d regret and wasn’t right; being prescription drug free for my mental health. Even though most of my feelings are tormented and difficult, I can feel. I am more in control than I have ever been. ( I’ve maybe got like a toe on the driver’s side…)

What is happiness to you?

Happiness for me is a work in progress.

At present

The days ‘A’ is kind to me and my mind is calm allowing me to accomplish something.

When a dog acknowledges me and when I see my sister smile.

In the future

I want it to be a way of life, normality. I want to be able to say happiness is living. Right now.

Three things,people or experiences you are grateful for?

This is an easy one, I’m extremely grateful to have had such a loving caring mum and still have a loving caring sister I call my best friend. I’m grateful for the existence of dogs and of course for Slyvester Stallone. (Judge me all you want…zero fucks given.) #slytillidie

I’m very new to the blog world so it’s taken me some time to pick my nominee’s; I wanted to nominate all my current followers as a ‘thank you for the support’ but some are over 200 followers and some I couldn’t tell. So I may have broken a rule or two..

1. Lifeisneverright – The Broken World – My second follower (thank you) and a blog that I can relate to, it’s a powerful read.
2. Muhibba TurRasool – Another follower (thank you) as someone with anxiety it’s hard to stay focused ‘A’ is always distracting me but the writing style here sucks me in.
3. Headstrong and Happy – a relatable blog with a sense of humour
4. Curiosity – Random thought beam – Not sure how many followers you have but your blog made me laugh. It takes a lot to crack this ice queen.
5. Bexcapades – a blog about travelling with anxiety, something I one day aspire to be able to do.
6. Molly the Blogger – a versatile blog and read.
7. Undeniably Sara – a fellow follower (thank you), I’m a meme enthusiast and a lot of the quotes used in this blog I have taken strength from.
8. Ella : Craft up your life – this blog is so colourful and reeks positivity.
9. Mindfullness Meditation World – Meditation isn’t for everyone but it definitely keeps my ‘A’ at bay, this blog is a great starting point for anyone interested (even if it’s just for the meditation jokes!)
10. Happysky7311 – Anonymous Escape from Life – although this page has already been gifted with this award before I have enjoyed reading this blog so I thought screw it!
11. A Daily Struggle – A great blog on the daily conquered struggles of anxiety. I’m not sure what your follower count is but I can relate to and wanted to include this blog in my (un)lucky 11.

The questions I will look forward to you answering are as follows:

1. Why did you start your blog? What are your goals
2. Which Disney character would you be?
3. What book would you recommend reading?
4. Who is your biggest inspiration?
5. What is your favourite film of all time?
6. Share an inspirational quote of choice
7. If you could do anything you wanted for 1 day, what would it be?
8. What are your 2018 goals?
9. Name your favourite animal and why?
10. What was the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in your life?
11. Name 3 things you couldn’t live without?